Would you rather fake an orgasm than ask for what you want?
It might be the biggest unspoken secret, but LOADS of vulva owners fake orgasms (especially in heterosexual relationships) a LOT of the time.
Let’s preface this with a reminder that orgasm isn’t everything. Orgasm is just a few seconds at the end of a whole (hopefully) loving and pleasurable experience. But if it never happens, it can start to feel a bit blugh, and your motivation to even try can wane. Goodbye libido!!
So, let’s take a closer look at 3 common scenarios at play here.
1. You don’t want to hurt your partner’s feelings:
● You worry that asking for what you actually want will make you sound selfish or demanding
● You don’t want to complain or make them think there’s a problem
● You don’t want them to think you’re suggesting they don’t know what to do/how to please you
● You’re too embarrassed to tell them what you REALLY want (eg new positions/fantasies/kinks) in case they judge you or think you’re gross
● So you fake it to boost their ego and make them feel good
2. You don’t actually know what you want
● You feel ashamed to learn about your own pleasure
● You are too embarrassed to explore your body
● You never masturbate or you do it as fast as you can using the one technique that works
● You think that sex should work the way it’s shown in movies/porn
● You’ve never received accurate education about female arousal and orgasm
● You suspect there’s something wrong with you - because you always take so long, and never reach orgasm (especially via penetration) anyway
● So you fake it to pretend you’re normal
3. You think you make sex boring
● You notice that your partner seems ready for "sex" now - so you pretend you are too
● You feel worried that they’re losing arousal/hardness so you hurry up & give up on your pleasure
● You think it’s boring for your lover to provide the kind of consistent stroke that your vulva loves
● So, you fake it to pretend you’re aroused when you’re not there yet
Even though you KNOW that your partner WANTS you to have fun! And that they want to know how to please you!
So, what can you do to get out of this habit?
● Try an affirmation like "My Pleasure Matters" and repeat until you start to believe it!
● Re-educate! Here’s a very quick rundown:
○ Penis and vulva owners have very different arousal patterns
○ It’s normal for erections to soften/harden/soften again during the build up to penetration if that’s where you’re going.
○ Simultaneous orgasms are not a realistic goal - it’s rare to come together
● Stop faking! That’s essentially teaching your partner to do something that won’t get you off - and preventing chance for real connection
● Start exploring! On your own! Slow down, no pressure, no goals, follow your real pleasure.
● Build up courage to communicate &offer positive feedback in the moment
○ Yes, I like that.
○ I love it when you tease me
○ My friend told me this thing that sounds really sexy…
Learning what you love and then asking for it is the most effective way to improve pleasure and intimacy in the bedroom. The power is in your hands baby! (literally)
- Lisa Welsh
Lisa is a Sexual Empowerment and Pleasure Coach who helps people to overcome sexual shame and insecurities so that they can step into their true orgasmic nature.
More from Lisa at her website (www.inbedwithlisa.com) or Instagram (@inbedwithlisa).