What the heck happened? You used to rip each other’s clothes off and be at it like rabbits at every opportunity. But now, things are not so enthusiastic. It’s surprisingly easy to pass it up for something more enticing - like an entire season of Outlander on Netflix.
When sex does happen, you know how it will begin, the order of events, the position/s, the noises, the duration, the grand finale. Or not so grand…
You’re so bored that you or your partner may even be avoiding sex. Keeping clothes on. Feigning headaches. Being less available.
PSA: This is totally normal (especially in a global pandemic). It’s not necessarily a sign of a major problem in your relationship. With the amount of stress and “stuff” filling your life, it’s inevitable that something will lose momentum. Sex is often the first thing to go.
And that’s a bit sucky. Because sex is excellent at combatting many of our modern-day ailments! So, let’s talk about what you can do to make things more spontaneous, exciting, and unpredictable in the bedroom once again.
1. Communicate!
If you notice that either of you is feeling bored in the boudoir, ignoring it won’t help. Chat about it in a non-judgemental, relaxed, and positive way - and yes, that can be via text. “I’ve got an idea that I’d love to try with you…” “I read an article and it was so hot…”
2. Keep learning!
When you first got together sex was smoking because you were discovering new things about each other and weren’t sure what to expect at any given moment. But, once you learned the basics about how each other’s bodies responded, you quickly slipped into a routine.
But there are always new things to discover about your own body, each other’s bodies, techniques to try, things to add. I’ve recently discovered the joy of having my toes sucked!! How about your ear lobes, or armpits…?
Make a commitment to never stop learning ways to experience each other’s bodies!
3. Make it sensational!
Another thing you might take for granted is the way you use your senses in the bedroom. Try actively focusing on ALL of your senses, or perhaps just one at a time.
Let’s consider touch. Have you tried every single way to touch your lover’s arm/genitals/toes? Scratching, tickling, slapping, biting, butterfly wing light strokes, kissing, sucking… and that’s just to get you started.
There are SO many ways to excite all of your senses. Get creative!
4. Good vibes!
With so much going on in your head, it can be easy to check out of your body and just go through the motions without an emotional connection. It’s no surprise that this will get boring for both of you if it happens often.
Sex is so much more than a physical act, rubbing body parts together to build friction. The energy and connection between you matter!!
Build good vibes by learning to stay present in the moment (practice mindfulness outside of the bedroom). And, if there is simmering resentment or any unspoken issues that need to be addressed, address them. Bad feelings won’t just go away just because you’re getting jiggy.
5. Location, location, location!
A simple way to bring novelty back to your lovemaking is to do it someplace different. The couch, the kitchen, the car, the cinema, the Caribbean. The world is your oyster. But don’t get into trouble!
6. Schedule sex!
I know, I know. It sounds so unsexy. But with your busy life, if you don’t plan some time to be intimate, it just won’t happen. And if it does, you’re likely to be exhausted and distracted.
Scheduling sex gives you a chance to get in the mood, and you don’t even need to tell your partner it’s on your agenda. Or, you could tease them all day!
7. Be spontaneous!
Yep, contradicting the last point, but this is important. Sometimes, you get so used to the way you do things that the idea of change is uncomfortable. Challenge yourself to step out of your comfort zone and start noticing opportunities for saucy fun in your daily life.
And it doesn’t have to be all about sex. Just don’t always do the same stuff together - it can be simple. Choose a different dish on the menu, or genre of movie, or route to the beach, or choice of outfit. Mix things up to keep the vibe fresh between you.
8. Play together!
You’ve heard that old phrase… couples who play together, stay together. Well, it’s worth keeping in mind! If sex is boring, it’s likely that your life together is a bit boring too. I’m not trying to call you out here, but I am inviting you to look for opportunities to have fun together outside of the bedroom.
Look for different things to do in your area - cooking classes, hiking, a new bar, live music, a dance class. Open your mind. Only boring people get bored… that’s what my nan says.
9. Spark your own passions!
Bring more passion into your life by doing things you feel passionate about! Learn a new skill, try a new hobby, meet new people. By filling yourself up with juicy new energy, you’ll bring extra spiciness to your relationship. Win-win!
10. Do the work!
Couples who expect that sex shouldn’t take any effort are more likely to be unsatisfied in bed. It makes sense, if you really think about it. In the early days, you put in a lot of effort. Sex was a major priority. You anticipated seeing your lover. You shaved your legs, you thought about them all the time. And now… you don’t do that stuff but expect to be as excited.
All it takes is a mindset shift and a bit of effort to revive your sex life!
My final thought on this is that the opposite of “boring” isn’t “perfect”. That’s not what you should be aiming for, so drop any unrealistic expectations. Sometimes cozy, comfortable predictable sex is exactly what you want. And sometimes you want your socks knocked right off. That’s where the fun lies!!
Let me know in the comments which of these you’re going to work on first! I’m excited to hear from you.
- Lisa Welsh
Lisa is a Sexual Empowerment and Pleasure Coach who helps people to overcome sexual shame and insecurities so that they can step into their true orgasmic nature.
More from Lisa at her website (www.inbedwithlisa.com) or Instagram (@inbedwithlisa).