Sometimes pleasure feels so difficult.
I used to squirm at the thought of just laying back and receiving my lover’s touch and attention. Time seemed to slow down, I was stuck in my head, imagining what he was thinking.
Did I look okay? Did I smell good? Did I taste good? Did I sound weird? Shouldn’t I be *there* by now?
Pleasure was so far away & there was nothing my lover could do to tempt it closer. No thanks, it felt way better to be the one *giving* pleasure! Have you ever felt that way?
I became fixated on my technique and their response. OMG I’d better hurry up, what if he goes soft (not realising that it’s totally okay for erections to relax during proceedings!). I’d rush to penetration WAY before I was ready, making sure my performance was a great one so he'd feel like he’d done a fantastic job of making me happy.
Ugh, the whole thing was so messed up.
I was a victim of my subconscious programming - perhaps you are too. I felt comfortable when I was self-sacrificing, care-giving, putting others' needs before my own, pretending I didn’t even have needs (because that made me a REALLY good person). I was trained to give. When we pull back the curtain on the rubbish we’ve accepted as truth it looks like this:
I need to be a good woman - not too sexual.
I need to be a good lover - not too prudish.
My sexual response should mirror what I see in movies/porn - forget the clitoris.
I need to make up for/hide the things that are wrong with me - I’m too fat/thin/hairy/saggy etc
My needs are not as important as my partner’s needs.
I am not worthy of receiving pleasure.
If you resonate with any of these then I hope you start to feel angry about it. Because it’s b*llocks. Honestly. Why should we accept this?
4 Tools To Help You Receive
Well, you shouldn’t!! And your partner WANTS you to receive their good loving! You DO deserve pleasure! Here are 4 tools that will help you learn to be as generous with yourself as you are with your lover.
Mindfulness exercises outside of the bedroom, to help you to stay present in moments of intimacy without worrying about all of that junk!
Affirmations in the moment when you sense your mind slipping: I deserve to feel good. I deserve to receive. I invite pleasure into my life.
Tell your partner you feel worried they might get bored pleasuring you - let them reassure you that they love to lavish attention on you. And believe them!
Play a game with your lover taking turns giving & receiving - then you won’t feel so self-conscious when it’s your turn to enjoy.
Have you ever struggled to relax and receive in the bedroom? Let us know in the comments which tool you’re going to try first!
- Lisa Welsh
Lisa is a Sexual Empowerment and Pleasure Coach who helps people to overcome sexual shame and insecurities so that they can step into their true orgasmic nature.