October is the month for trick or treating… and sex toys could be just the thing to bring a saucy dose of both tricks and treats to your bedroom this month and beyond! But just like Halloween, while the idea of introducing sex toys to your relationship might excite you, it may also strike fear into your heart!
If you’re trembling in agreement, you’re not alone! It can feel very intimidating to let your lover know you’re curious about trying sex toys. You might be wondering:
● How you should broach the subject?
● If they’ll be turned on by the idea?
● If they’ll feel threatened?
● Or even if they’ll think you’re a weirdo?
So, let’s bust 7 concerns that you might currently have about introducing sex toys in your bedroom!
1 Will I Hurt Their Feelings?
One of the main reasons you might shy away from having the sex-toy convo is that you don’t want to hurt your partner’s feelings. If that’s the case, let’s start by celebrating your thoughtfulness! So many of us feel self-conscious in the bedroom, so this is a valid worry.
However, it shouldn’t prevent you from expressing your desires. The trick is to make it very clear that you enjoy being intimate with your lover, and that your curiosity is not an indication that they *aren’t enough* for you. Wanting to try a sex toy doesn’t mean that you’re unsatisfied or bored in bed!
Sex toys are not designed to replace a human partner, they cannot replicate that human connection - but they are a healthy way to bring a lot of pleasure to the bedroom!
2 Am I Weird?
Another common reason you might want to keep quiet about your interest in sex-toys is the fear that you’ll be judged. Perhaps you believe that pleasure is taboo - and that sex toys are kind of naughty.
It’s totally normal to feel that way because that’s how we’ve been socialised by our society! But it’s also normal and healthy to be curious about what’s possible in your body in terms of your pleasure potential. That’s a big part of being human and it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you!
3 What Will People Think?
Because pleasure such is a taboo, it’s unlikely that you’ll hear people chatting about their favourite sex toys around the water cooler. But that doesn’t mean they aren’t using them!!
The truth is LOADS of people use sex toys as part of a healthy and satisfying sex life. In fact, studies have shown that around 53% of women and 45% of men use sex toys on a regular basis. So, you don’t need to worry that you’re not normal by wanting to try them for yourself!
4 How Will It Feel?
There are many exciting sex toys to choose from, each providing a unique sensation - but beginning with an external vibrator can be great if you/your lover has a vulva. Most women need external clitoral stimulation to orgasm - and vibrators can provide just the right type of stimulation to make that happen. Bringing sex toys into the bedroom can close any possible pleasure gaps in your relationship!
5 What To Say?
Once you have decided that you want to have the chat, the next step is knowing what to say. Here are 2 keys to make the conversation run smoothly.
Don’t just start with a negative statement or complaint, such as, “you never make me orgasm”. (NOOO!) Always keep things positive. Remember, it’s okay to open the conversation with a text message if this feels too hard face to face. Try one of these phrases or make your own:
I loved what we did last night, and I was imagining how it might feel if we added (your preferred sex toy) to the mix!
Hey, what do you think about trying (your preferred sex toy) some time?
I was chatting to my friend about (your preferred sex toy) and it really made me feel hot - I wondered if you’d be open to trying that.
Be clear about your shared goals when it comes to trying sex toys. This will help you to feel like you’re both on the same agenda, and part of this new journey. Set the goal together and keep it in mind when you go shopping! Do you want to:
Experience something new together
Add some fun
Feel closer together
6 Where To Start?
There’s so much choice in the world of sex toys that it’s easy to feel overwhelmed. Start by considering how you can enhance something that you already do and love. Maybe with simple sensual toys such as feathers and blindfolds. Or perhaps you’d feel more comfortable with a sex toy that you use together, such as a we-vibe or a cock ring.
Shopping together for your sex toys online is easy and discreet - and could even form part of your foreplay! Keep the whole shopping experience a fun, judgment free zone, and you might just learn something new about your lover in the process!
7 What If They Say No?
It’s possible that your lover isn’t into trying sex toys, after all they are not for everyone. Remember that consent is key and it’s not okay to pressure them into doing something they don’t want to do.
So, if there is no place for sex toys in your relationship, you can try other methods to keep things fresh and boost intimacy in the bedroom. And of course, you can always experiment with toys in your solo pleasure practice!
The idea of opening a conversation about sex toys can be intimidating, but try not to worry that you’re being selfish, unreasonable or weird! Being curious about your pleasure potential is normal and you will both benefit from trying sex toys.
Couples who use them have increased sexual satisfaction, feel closer together and enjoy a boost of playfulness!
So, consider sex toys to be a world of delicious and colourful sprinkles that you can add liberally to the ice-cream of your love making adventures! Then you can stop feeling so nervous and start getting excited about which to try first!
- Lisa Welsh
Lisa is a Sexual Empowerment and Pleasure Coach who helps people to overcome sexual shame and insecurities so that they can step into their true orgasmic nature.